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| HEPPERS LEPERS FC 21.09.2006 - 26.06.2008
WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
After 85 consecutive Thursdays of aggressive, cage football followed by getting smashed off their faces at the Master Gunner, the Lepers decided it was time to take a break. The squad was depleted, the prices were sky-high, and the miniature pitches had become even smaller due to on-going construction work. Let’s take a look at what happened to the most unpopular team ever to have graced Worship Lane.
Shovelfoot Stoner 
Following an erratic Leper career marred by two major disappearances: he never found the net & never ‘found’ his biography; El Pala-Pie [The Shovel Foot] is now scoring goals for fun in the Ibiza League playing for FC Reps.
Hotshot Webb 
Having clinched the decisive goal in the Lepers’ opening game of Division 1, Webb, who was paid purely in goal-bonuses, had finally earned enough money to fulfil his lifelong ambition of retiring to a cottage in the countryside. He spends his days playing golf and tending to his prizewinning goats.
Spike 
The Rhino’s defending throughout Divisions 6, 5, 4 & 3 were second-to-none as he battered the opposition into submission. However, much like the crazed loonies who roam beaches with a metal detector looking for buried treasure, Spike has since futilely dedicated his life to searching for Wallabies in Leicestershire. And having featured in a paltry 20 games throughout Divisions 1 & 2, playing himself up front, he spends any spare moment ironically berating his fellow Lepers by email for their lack of commitment.
Avram Jerzak 
Having lead the Lepers to 3rd place in Division 1, Avram has moved back to his homeland to spend time with his family. Many have said that the true value of this new manager would be revealed by the magnitude of his next appointment. He has currently received no offers.
The Bear 
This highest-capped Leper played in 78 of the Lepers’ 85 games. During this period he was sin-binned eight times, sent off twice, made 1560 saves, completed 156 assists, incorrectly blamed Drake 312 times, drank 936 pints of beer and quit the Lepers 17 times. He now works for the Beautiful Beer Association providing ‘estimated’ statistics.
Mike Aage Fjortoft 
The Swindon Seagull was the Lepers’ saviour, providing a touch of class to their forceful approach. With a passion for beer, red wine and getting his nipples out, Phippsy was quickly adopted into the colony. He now works in the insurance department of a well-known company who manufacture locks, fire extinguishers and Passive Infrared Sensors (PIRs).
MVP Ames 
Some say a born winner, others a bad loser. Ames went from MVP to Yorkshire Ripper in the space of just two seasons. Having impressed opponents and Lepers alike with his match-winning tricks, Ames held the mantle of ‘MVP’ for four consecutive seasons. However, when the going got tough, Ames got tougher … but not within the laws of the game! Having spent the last two seasons barging, pulling and hacking opponents before shouting at the referee, Ames decided he couldn’t take the ‘unfair’ umpiring any more and switched to the gentlemanly sport of cricket.
Drake 
It took Manager Sheen five weeks to convince Chris Sutton that a move from top-flight football to Worship Lane Division 6 was good career progress. But once he arrived he never looked back … except when the Lepers were defending and he’d look back and wait for the ball. In 70 Leper games Drake notched well over 100 goals and was only ever spotted once in the defensive half of the pitch. This prompted his infamous “we’re playing upside down” complaint. And with big-time Jimmy-Floyd Drake leading the line the Lepers thought Division 1 would be a breeze. However, the more goals he scored, the worse the team performed. Jimmy-Floyd has now retired to count his golden boot awards and ignore the absence of a major trophy in his cabinet.
Hitman Harvey 
The only thing with greater stamina than Harvey’s legs was his undisputed commitment to the Lepers. 50 consecutive games firmly etched his name in the Hall of Fame for an accomplishment that will never be beaten. His value to the team was proven during Division 2 where the Lepers won the first 12 games of the season with him, and gained just one point from the final 2 games without him! The Gary Lineker of the team, Harvey was never sin-binned or sent off and only ever gave away one foul in 75 games for “shouting”, although nobody actually heard the incident. We are not sure what happened to Harvey as he rarely communicates with the Lepers but it is believed he spends his days running continuously around Canary Wharf.
Hoskinho 
Big Phil was a Division 6 rock and one of the founding players of the team. Starting games as a defender he was often the furthest man forward in search of glory. He now spends his days working with HLFC followers at the ‘Father Damien Leprosy Center’ in New York.
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